Sunday, December 19, 2010

The heart of an empty womb.....

blustery day in big bear

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;" Proverbs 3:5


As a little girl I would daydream about finding my very own real baby in the bushes as I played in the desert near our house in California City. I always knew I wanted lots and lots of children.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21


Little did I know that the Lord had different plans for me.
So far after 13 years of marriage and a few years of infertility treatment there has only been an empty womb, a hurting heart, a sense of missing out.....once in a while. I say once in a while because most of the time I'm able to defeat those feelings with a true knowledge of my God. I know His plan is more then I could dream of. And no doubt it has been more then any dream I could have have had. He's given me two beautiful children to call my own. Two children that I would never trade for any child of myself. Two children that I would not have if I would have gotten my way.

I'm writing about this now because lately I've really had a longing to have more children. The frustration and sadness loom when I am faced with the fact that I cannot make that decision for myself. I have to rely on other people. I have to fill out form after form and go to class after class. I have to open my life to strangers who make the decision for me. What if they had a bad day? What if they don't like me? What if? If they only understood my heart. If they could feel, and see what I do i'm certain they would knock on my door right now with a new little blessing. But it doesn't work that way. I wish it did.

I've been decorating a nursery. I've been collecting little things and painting and dreaming. I have a name picked out. I have clothes hanging in the closet and little shoes all lined up. I've sewn valances and a bedskirt, painted the whole room and am crafting ABC's for the alphabet wall above the bed. I've got a stack of fabric for the curtains on the closet waiting to be sewn. I've filled out all the forms. Now I wait. It could be a week, it could be a year, it could be never. But hope is good. I believe that it will happen. Call it a hunch, call it a feeling, I call it hope. I know that whatever happens, soon, or never, that His plan for me, for us, is perfect. And though these feelings are strong the trust I have in Him is stronger no matter the outcome.

Ahh, hope is good.

Here is the nursery that is waiting. We are waiting for a little girl and are preparing for two just in case. Most newborns in the system have siblings and wouldn't it be amazing to get a newborn with a big sister? Or twins!? I would love that!

If you have extra room in your prayers, will you think of us? We would be so grateful!

nursery design
nursery design
nursery design
nursery design
nursery design
nursery design
nursery design

30 comments:

Kelsey Anderson December 19, 2010 at 5:56 PM  

My thoughts are with you Rebecca and I know that you will get that very special baby or babies!

Jamie Shortt December 19, 2010 at 6:00 PM  

Rebecca - this room is amazing and so is all the love in your heart! You will definately be in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you all the best!

Barra December 19, 2010 at 6:04 PM  

"I know the plans I have you you, Rebecca, says the Lord. Plans for good and not for evil to bring you a future and a HOPE!!!" He promises you GOOD, and sometimes good is on a teeny tiny bundle of JOY! I hope your hope comes soon!

Elaine December 19, 2010 at 6:14 PM  

You are on my heart, dear one. You don't know me, but my heart goes out to you. I love the nursery and hope you can fill it with a little one so soon!

And I live in Lancaster! Cal City is so close by!

Anonymous December 19, 2010 at 6:16 PM  

Tis the season for Miracles! <3

Kelley L. December 19, 2010 at 6:17 PM  

What a beautiful room for the little girl of your dreams. My prayers for a full heart and home are with you.

Amanda December 19, 2010 at 6:17 PM  

Rebecca, I couldn't have written the words on my heart any better. You and I have that very special bond because we both know how it feels. We have longed with everything we are to have a child of our own but God had different plans for our little families and we were blessed amazing children in a different way. But that doesnt take away the longing. I will continue to pray for you and the longing of your heart. I LOVE that we serve a God thats bigger then anything we could imagine. And to try and even fathom what God has in store blows my mind. The future is good and I can't wait to see everything unfold.
Be Blessed!
Amanda

Leslie December 19, 2010 at 6:45 PM  

Rebecca, you are absolutely in my prayers! I know that God has a special plan for you. The room that you have been working on is absolutley gorgeous. I pray that soon your hands are as full as your beautiful heart!

Ang December 19, 2010 at 7:44 PM  

do you know how you've touched my life? what an amazing coincidence of events that has led your sweet soul to me. bravo, in every way shape and form.

xoxo

Crissie December 19, 2010 at 8:20 PM  

Rebecca, I love you so very much and if there was any possible way, I want you to know from the bottom of my heart, I would give you a baby... I'm just not so good at keeping them going... I really, truly would if I could. I know what a beautiful person you are and I am so blessed to call you my friend. You inspire me to be a better person.

2011 is going to be OUR year my friend... xoxox

Jules December 19, 2010 at 8:34 PM  

my hopes and prayers are being sent to you this holiday season. I know how it feels to not have your life turn out the way you always dreamed. but you're right, God's plan is amazing. I loved learning along with you in your journey through this documentation. you are beautiful and inspiring.

Rebecca Edwards December 19, 2010 at 8:37 PM  

Rebecca,

Thank you for loving those babies! What an amazing way to make something beautiful out of what is so horribly painful. It is very evident God has taken extra care in crafting your character--an exquisite masterpiece in His hands. Thank you for sharing!

Cassie December 19, 2010 at 9:03 PM  

You are an amazing woman, your words, your photography are so beautiful. God does know the plans that he has for you. He knows your heart. I believe with all my heart that he will bless you with children. God knows how you will love those babies more than anyone else ever would. I will be praying for you until I hear the good news!!! Keep us posted.

Krazy Keetch's December 19, 2010 at 9:36 PM  

My becky.

You are one of the most talented women I am lucky enough to know. I know a lot of people that have the trial of infertility, great people! these people would be the most wonderful parents. And then there's women like me who had their children way tooo young and so wishing they had time to grow up and experience things so they could pass it on to their children.

Advice? Keep working on those talents you have. Be oh so grateful that you have the opportunity to develope your talents because I have no time at all. when it's the right time it will happen. And remember how blessed you are to have the two you have..

The end :)

Christen Loriaux December 19, 2010 at 10:10 PM  

Dearest Becky,
I have known you for years! and out of everything said and done, you are wonderful inside and out, when you and chris were married and you held onto my Christopher and danced with him in your arms. A great mother is what you are. You are in our pray box and home and in at home. I love you. And if you keep sewing it, She will come.......oxoxoxo Chin-up

Jennifer December 20, 2010 at 12:07 AM  

What a beautiful person you are! I hope that your life will be blessed with the children you desire. Your nursery is gorgeous. I hope a little soul will be able to grow up there.

Best wishes!!!

Shannon Harrison December 20, 2010 at 6:17 AM  

your story and images are truly beautiful. so glad you decided to do this. i will never understand why some have to struggle through while it comes all too easy for others but in in the end it is the story thats been crafted for us. prayers for a new & exciting chapter to come...

Linda December 20, 2010 at 7:03 AM  

Rebecca, I have forwarded your blog post to my prayer parters. Know that many are crying out to God in your behalf and will continue to do so. Hugs, Linda (Clear Creek Images)

Julie Angold December 20, 2010 at 7:28 AM  

Beautiful post, gorgeous room, amazing woman! Prayers for a full loving home for you and your family!

Kristen December 20, 2010 at 7:49 AM  

What a gorgeous room Rebecca! Praying that it will be filled with the perfect addition(s) to your family!

Anonymous December 20, 2010 at 11:09 AM  

The room is so beautiful. You and Chris have such big hearts and you are both wonderful parents. I know in my heart that your baby will come. You could not have stated any better the emotions and heart of someone who longs for a child of their own. Thank you for putting it into words. All my love and you are in my prayers.

Mary Schannen December 20, 2010 at 1:33 PM  

That is one of the prettiest rooms I've ever seen! Prayers for you ((((hugs))))

FreshFromGod Photography December 23, 2010 at 9:21 AM  

Thank you everyone, from the bottom of my heart for the outpour of love and encouragement, for the prayers and for even just coming here and reading this. It means so much to me and I can't wait to see what happens next and you can bet I will share it when it does. Merry Christmas!! xoxo

Kara January 7, 2011 at 11:44 AM  

that room is soooo gorgeous. I am in love! I need to come help me decorate:) I am so sorry you've had hard time:( My sister has had the same thing (not for nearly as long as you) and finally got pregnant after she did a natural healing cleanse (sounds hokey I know)...but she got pregnant BOTH times the month after the cleanse...and the second time it was with TWINS. Imagine that right?! You can see her blog right below.. Sending Love your way and hopefully a baby too!

http://bradandshelley.blogspot.com/

Laura Meeks February 3, 2011 at 5:46 PM  

i've felt a small, very small piece of this same struggle and i can say, the 15 months we battled this was one of the most heartwrenching situations i've ever been in. your time, blessing and new baby is coming - i can feel it and i'm holding hope in my own heart for you too. (((HUGS)))

Cyndi Walker February 11, 2011 at 11:00 AM  

You and I share a common bond - thank you so much for sharing! We are also waiting, which seems so strange since the "system" is so full of children waiting as well.

Beautiful room.. I dare not decorate yet. I have not the courage you do! :)

Flower Patch Farmgirl March 3, 2011 at 7:25 AM  

Gorgeous, gorgeous room! And your story is beautiful and hits me straight in the heart. I have lived your story. (I've written about it extensively over at my place!) And now? I have 3 crazy babies under my roof - babies that found me across oceans and rivers. I'll be praying for you, lovely friend.

Melissa March 3, 2011 at 9:23 AM  

The love you poured into designing this wall is so evident in the exquisite detail of the letters. It's the most gorgeous one I've ever seen. (And I even have an alphabet wall in our home and have the potential to be biased. ;)

Thank you for sharing your story. I so admire and respect your heart for the orphan.

Anonymous March 3, 2011 at 11:28 AM  

I found your blog through Pure and Lovely, and your writing brought me to tears. I pray that your beautiful nursery is filled with sweet little one(s) very soon.
Emily

Anonymous March 7, 2011 at 10:50 AM  

WOW, I'm over here almost crying. You and your family are in my prayers. I'm also requesting my friends and family to pray for you. We are all truley blessed by God! <3 Krista

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